Yesterday we took the kids to the pumpkin farm. Our first stop was a sign placed specifically for my children. I had them pose for it and could barely hold the camera still a I was shaking with hysterical laughter. After the past couple of day I had the pleasure of spending with my "slow children" this sign summed it all up.
For those of you planning on having children, or adding to your already one child home? Don't have children in the same month ... ever. Jon and I made the fatal error of having 2 of our children in October. We put alot of "effort" into these two children's arrival (thank you medical science and infertility drugs), so there was never any planning of "when" we wanted to have the kids, we were jsut ecstatic we were having any kids at all. Our two eldest kids are exactly 5 years and 10 days apart. Had I not been induced with #2, they would have been born exactly 5 years apart, to the day (yes, they had the same due date, go figure). Thank you for induction.
When you have two children in the same month there is initial, "oh, how cool is that?!" As they age, and birthdays go from a couple cheap toys to IPODS and Kindles, and blow out birthday parties with half the nieghborhood, the oh how cool part leaves the building only to be replaced by, "should we second mtg the house this month?" While putting a second on the house, you also have to schedule annual "well child" visits with the pediatrician ... for two kids ... and you schedule them the same day thinking, "let's get this done in one shot." Yesterday was that day ... and my kids are certified morons.
Bradyn is officially 8. He still likes to pose for shots, and was all to willing to pose for his post bouncy house excursion shot with a HUGE grin!
Both of them register on the intelligence scale somewhere a notch above a monkey with opposable thumbs. (okay, seriously, apparently they are smart according to the school, but I think they leave smart at the front door to resume stupid at our house and all subsequent events wherein I have to take them in public.) When Drew and Bradyn were a few years younger, I used to take them to the grocery store, etc. with me. The trips were a living hell ... each and every time. My opposable thumb monkey children can apparently not keep their damned hands off of each other (thank you Dad, who knew I would use the, "keep your DAMNED hands off of each other" line ot my own children one day).
They hit, they squeeedl, they throw themselves to the floor, and yes, there have even been incidences of them taking things off the grocery store shelves to use as ammo complete with shooting sounds and grenade explosions (think chocolate chips, marshmallows, nuts, whatever they can grab fast and fling farthest at their sibling). I finally stopped fighting the power and left them in an aisle about three aisles away from me one day. They were busy acting like morons, so they had no clue I was not even in their line of sight. When the finally found me, they resumed their moronic antics, and when people started to notice, I started walking away, staring at them, hoping people would realize that these were not MY children, and where the hell was the mother of these idiots running rampant through the store? Sometimes it worked. One time it worked really well when I fisihed my shopping and then had their nasty butts paged to the front of the store. In their idiotic maneuvers they never realized I was on the other side of the store, they looked a little "deer in the headlights". Drew was pissed, Bradyn was scared, and both agreed this was totally embarassing. Two weeks later, we were right back on it.
The doctor's office doesn't offer the same poosibility of anonymity. The doctor only has to assume these are your children you are accompanying into the office, although I am considering suggesting to the right ear taht these are my respite care children, and certainly not mine. Yesterdays' visit began with a little beat down in the truck on the way to the doctor. This would not be me beating anyone ... this would be Drew beating Bradyn and vice versa ACROSS the car seat with Caden in the middle. There were some slang insults, a few tears, and alot of "moooooooommmm!" I threatened them ... which I know is useless ... but I was hoping.
We checked into the doctor's office. So far so good. The threat was actually holding water. Bradyn and Drew went into the waiting area with Caden while I signed some paperwork at the desk. Caden immediately found the water cooler (moth to a flame) and started helping himself convinced this had to be a waterpark and not a doctor's office. I ran to intervene his efforts, only to hear the echo on the other side of the room ... "get off me you homo!" Are you serious? There, in the waiting room of the doctor's office was Drew and Bradyn, sitting by one another, now sprawled on the floor closed fist beating the crap out of each other trying to pull the other's underwear somewhere up over their head. "Get ooooooofffff! Mooooooommmmm! Tell him to stop! Get of meeeeee!" They both were screaming the same thing with an occasionally derogatory slang of homo thrown in for effect (and to get me sued if an ACLU attorney was within ear shot).
I threw on my best, "I will kill you when we get home or perhaps beat the hell out of you right now if you don't pull yourselves together, " look followed by a stern, "GET UP!" muttered under my breath. They mamanged to get themselves back into their chairs for 30 seconds, I got water boy situated, then again with the, "stoooooop iiiiiit, mooooooom!" I turned for a second to see they had managed to both stay sort of in their chairs, but were now standing over their chairs, beating each other down from the side, one on top of the other. Are you kidding me. Gratefully, the nurse came out from the back and said, "okay crew, let's do this." I saw fear in her eyes, I know I did.
The first fight began about who would be weighed first. Of course, because hey, you're both getting weighed eventually, might as well turn it into a battle. I finally slung Drew butt forward to the weight machine, he scowled, but the nurse was able to get his stats. 5' 83 lbs. Wow, He grew a little. Bradyn, 4', 76 lbs, wow, he lost a few lbs. Caden insisted he too get on the scale, shoving Bradyn none to lightly off the scale (I think he screamed, "get off now before I slap you!" (his new phrase of attack). Bradyn was laughing so hard he obliged. Caden. 38 lbs. Let's do some simple math: Drew, age 13 83 lbs Bradyn, age 8 76 lbs Caden, age 2 38 lbs. Do you see what I'm getting at here? Bradyn is catching Drew at alarming speed and they are 5 years apart. Poor Drew.
Both of the boys managed to pull their crap together while in the doctors office minus the threat to dump over the pressurized oxygen tank, screaming and fighting over who would get to sit on the table, etc. There were minor throw downs, and I am sure I just looked haggard. We knew the nurse and I casually mentioned, "Oh yeah, Tekla, did I tell you we're having ANOTHER boy." She looked at me, jaw dropped, and had to turn away to shake her head and say, "uh, really, wow." Yeah, sort of my reaction. The flu shots were accomplished (of course after the battle of who goes first to which I let Tekla decide and she opted for alphabetical, oh good, oldest to youngest.) Drew was rather manly, Bradyn squeeled and asked for soemthing to bite down on (girl), and Caden screamed as I held him down, "do NOT give me that shot, get AWAY from me right now!!!" The shot was fast, fairly painless, and they are now resistant to that strain fo the flu for the season. At this point I offered Drew the car keys and both boys and said, "head out to the parking lot, get them strapped in, I'll be right there.
Now, admittedly, I toyed with the idea of taking an unguided tour around the hospital jsut to regroup my life and wonder why in the world God would be so cruel as to send 4 boys to this most impatient of mothers. But, the doctor came in one final time to update me on all the things she found from their 30 second check up. Drew has falled off the growth chart (jack sprat), Bradyn is also off the growth chart (and jack sprat's wife) to the other end, and Caden is following in Bradyn's larger than normal shoe steps. Poor Drew.
Tomorrow ... the pumpkin patch. Oh joy, oh bliss, hoping there will be horses and petting zoos so my allergies can rear their ugly head and as I try to feign a smile the tears and sniffles (allergies) will be minimal. Maybe I should just take a pre festivity benadryl, then I will be high and maybe not remember their antics. Stay tuned ...
2 comments:
one, you look lovely and happy in that picture.
two, if case you didn't already know, your experience in not gender-specific. I get the EXACT same thing between Jade and Josh. Only with yours, at least you can used the excuse "they are boys". For me, having a 150 lbs 13 yr old girl dragging/pounding on a 65 lbs 8 yr old walking toothpick in public, well, there is nothing to say but close my eyes and imangine I was wind blowing away.
I hope you are feeling alright and your body is going with the flow, sort of. :)
You're so sweet! I'm hating any pictures of me these days because I'm getting the "pregnant puffy face" in full force! Gross! That was a fun day with Caden ... he's a really big ham and SOOOO verbal that one!
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