Parenting, Denial Style

                                                               Translation: "Dear Parents of Braden I'm sorry for throwing crap aPPles everywhere and hit Kaden in the Head and I want to play with Braden again and that was fun

from, Mathew" 

The Meanest Kid on the Block

I'm leaving the whole letter intact, including the kid's name, since I don't know the parents from Adam, there are a million Mathew's in the world, and throwing craba aPPles has to be some sort of daily occurence between boys at parks, AND I'm assuming Mathew's parents are not one of the six people who read my blog.  

Ironic Denial.  Parenting, bad parenting, is a series of events that present ironic humor for the rest of us to laugh, scratch our heads, and then acknowledge why their kid is a complete ass because his/her parents are immersed in the seas of denial.

A combination of denial and irony allows these parents to actually utter phrases like, "I'm just letting you know I won't let my son/daughter play with that/those kids."  Their kid is typically the child who incites the disturbing stupidity echoed in childhood playgrounds and schools, but hey, it's everyone else's kid. Everyone else's kid "starts it", and everyone elses kid "must have problems at home".  We don't live in denial at our house.  I always start sentences with, "I know my kid isn't perfect, and they probably were most of the problem ..."  I KNOW my kids can be asses, but I know Jon and I have already started a therapy fund for each child to temper our bad parenting and their bad behavior.

We have a kid in our neighborhood who has parents in denial.  These are the worst kind of parents because you have to acknowledge them with a head nod knowing breaking their fragile denial bubble will incite them to madness and/or they will take a one way train to crazy town ... after they beat the hell out of you.  Often, the kids with the DP (denial parents) are annoying and crazy mean.  We are blessed to have the latter (crazy mean) in our neighborhood.

In two years, both of my older kids have shared a love/hate relationship with Mathew.  There are times he can be a pretty average, normal kid.  These are the times there is peace in the neighborhood and all is calm.  God help us all if Mathew wakes up on the wrong side of the bed. ie: He's clothes-lined Bradyn as Bradyn sped by on his bike at mock 10.  Bradyn fell, there was alot of blood, and crying.  Drew watched the whole thing go down.  I was to busy with triage to yell at Mathew. 

Mathew has shoved his butt (literally) in people's faces, shook it around, and "neener, neener neener'd" kids to eventually smacking him.  He's always warned, and he always persists.  As evidenced by the above letter, one of his last attacks was on Caden, my 3 year-old.  In the "planned neighborhood" we live in (honestly, can't the HOA ban the DP and their crap kids?) there is a park.  It's the gathering place for everyone under 15, and Mathew's battle ground.  Two weeks ago the older boys had taken Caden to the park.  Mathew took it upon himself to launch crab apples at Caden, then shove him down, laughing the whole time.

My two older boys and their friend brought Caden home in tears.  They were disgusted and ticked at Mathew, but we all knew saying anything would bring on one thing ... his DP mother.  I was mad, I'll be honest.  What could my 3 year-old have done to deserve a crabapple attack followed by getting shoved down.  As Drew would say, Mathew was asserting his "personal empowerment", an apparent bully tactic (thank you public schools for the 40k assemblies on bullying).  On occasion, the kids will slap Mathew down.  They might throw a crabapple back his direction, they might verbally assault.  Sometimes Mathew reacts back, sometimes he goes home and tattles.  Retaliation by Mathew seems far more effective when he "tells his Mommy" his side of the story.  She'll come to the park, talons raised, and verbally smack down the kid who Mathew points out as his "attacker". 

I've never seen this whole thing go down.  My kids fear other adults authority and they will stand on the sidelines shaking until they come home and tell me what happened.  I ignore it.  Doesn't involve my kid.  I know she's a DP and Mathew is a shit.  Our house lives by law of the jungle.  If there's no blood, don't tell me about it.  If you act like an ass, eventually noone will WANT to play with you ... figure yourselves out or you won't have friends.

Yesterday, oh blessed day, the doorbell rings.  I answered the door only to see DP in full attack mode.  Mathew stood behind her, looking both fearful and pleased with himself.  I stood there, baby in arms, and listened as she spattered off her tale.  She began showing me the little goose egg on Mathew's head and a large band aid on his back.  Apparently Mathew had mouthed off to the wrong kid and he got shoved off the neighbor's porch. She DP'd into the details leaving out Mathew as inciting any reason for him to be shoved off the porch.

BUT, her visit was not about his unfortunate fall.  Her visit was to inform me that AFTER her darling son had come home (later I found out this was about an hour AFTER the fall and AFTER the kids had bandaged his back and apologized all over themselves) she hightailed it to the park to chat with the offendor.  The offendor is a 12 year-old girl.  Again, in pure DP mode, the mother informed me that she had spoken with the girl and the girl, "got all up in my face" and showed "complete disrespect" and she wanted me to know the "kind of kids your kids are at the park with" and "I am taking Mathew away from those kids".  Again, she repeated, she just wanted me to know.

I sort of sat there wide eyed thinking three things.  A) In two years this was the second time I had even spoke with this woman.  B)  Her son had given me a note a day prior apologizing for the crabapple assault inflicted on my 3 year-old so that I would let Bradyn hang out with him again.  C) Her kid was the meanest kid on the block, he was almost always in the center of the storm, and should I give this DP mother a mother hen verbal assault of my own protecting my chickens?  In a fashion I am not accustomed, I weighed her reaction in my mind, and said nothing.  I nodded.  In the middle of her rant, the younger sister of the offendor came to the mother to defend her sister stating her sister was not a mean person, etc. etc.  She was heartfelt, the DP was unaffected and began a second verbal assault on the 8 year-old sister telling her how mean and disresepctful her sister is, etc. etc.  I just stared silently for 5 minutes, not kidding, 5 minutes standing at my door watching this whole thing go down.

Four times I nodded when she told me she was taking her kid "away from those kids in the park" and when I didn't get on her DP train, she tried to back up her story telling me she had problems with these girls before.  I knew these girls, I knew Mathew.  While they could all be at fault, Mathew won the prize in my mind.  Again, nodded.  She finally recognized I wasn't going to fly into a frenzy and head over to the park to retrieve my kids from the obviously "bad element" and she left.

By this time, the whole possy of park kids, including my own, were gathered in my front yard to hear Mathew's mom in DP mode.  When she left I dryly said, "Drew, what happened?"  Drew proceeded to give me the proverbial "rest of the story".  In true Mathew fashion, he was again shoving his butt in this girl's face (literally) and after a few warnings she finally slapped him down ... which apparently slapped him down off the porch.  (Yep, I'm laughing.) Mathew did get hurt, but the kids went into "holy crap we're going to be in trouble" mode, apologized profusely, and triaged the wounds.  Somewhere in there, Mathew went home, and his Mom showed up on the playground.

DP had left out the part about calling the 12 year-old girl a "bitch" and then trying to rally the other kids saying, "do you even WANT to play with her, you should not WANT to play with her", and the girl only had friends, "because your parents have money".  Huh.  The girl did retaliate with a "who do you think you are?" response (ballsy young girl) and their was some side to side head shaking with both parties.  When the whole event reached a fevered pitch, the Mom left the park and immediately came to my front door.  Awesome.

The irony was staggering.  The meanest kid on the block apparently had the meanest mom on the block.  That crabapple didn't fall far from the tree.  I instructed Drew to gather EVERY kid in my front yard to stand on the porch against the rail.  When they were all gathered (about 10 of them) standing there looking guilty and terrified, I said, "look, when you mess with a mom's kid, the mom will go ape shit every time, it's a mom instinct. This isn't to say I don't know Mathew is a shit.  I know he causes 90% of the issues.  BUT, if he tattles, and his Mom wants to talk to you, walk away.  Nod your head, then walk away.  It's not okay to disrespect adults, no matter how crazed.  Just walk away.  Now, all this being said, know that if I ever have to talk to any of you and you "get all up in my face" I will beat you down without hesitation.  Now go away, speak of this no more, and ignore Mathew." 

I might contact the HOA about a disorderly conduct award on this mother for having a verbal slapdown with the "children in the park".  Nah, her husband's a police officer, she might have me arrested like Mathew always promises Bradyn his dad will do when Bradyn doesn't give Mathew his way.  And let's be honest, you can't fix crazy.