How to stop the Boys Fighting Constantly?

Today I was surfing in desperation for ways to stop my oldest two boys from killing one another … found this article and have to comment … are you kidding me Mr. Brandenburg? Did you raise children or apes? - Cortney

Sibling Rivalry: Ten Ways to Prevent Kids from Fighting
by Mark Brandenburg, MA, CPCC

Fighting among siblings is as natural as the changing of the seasons. And contrary to what many parents believe, sibling rivalry is a sign of mental health in a family. While there may be times when it's difficult to deal with, there are some simple things you can do to limit fighting and make it tolerable: (IF fighting is a sign of mental health than we are no longer a self proclaimed dysfunctional family, but rather the picture of mental stability.)

1. Ignore Their FightingFighting is often a way for kids to get you to notice them. If you ignore their fighting (unless weapons are involved), there will be less incentive for them to do it. (Are you freaking kidding me? How do you ignore screams of, “he kicked me in the BAAAAAAALS!” While grocery shopping as shoppers stare on waiting for your response. Trust me, I’ve tried to leave them in the aisle and pray someone else takes them home.)

2. Treat Your Kids the Same When it Comes to FightingIf you get into who started things, you may be training your kids to be victims and bullies. Put them in the same boat and don't take sides. (Treat them the same … uh, huh. So when Drew initiates, Bradyn cries at the drop of a hat, and Caden just sort of watches the whole thing go down I lock all three of them in the bathroom and make them sing primary songs?)

3. Give Your Kids Positive Reinforcement when they're Cooperating.Let them know they're doing a wonderful job when they get along. This one's easy to forget, but vitally important. Give them attention when they're behaving the way you want. Continually telling them to stop may actually be creating more fighting! (When does this happen, do they behave when they are 18? Because I am still waiting for a day when my kids behave so I CAN positively reinforce them!)

4. Limit Your Own Fighting and Arguing.Having your kids see occasional arguing and "making up" from you is fine, but your kids will learn how to be peaceful from you. Don't expect them to do it well if you don't show them how. (Uh, no comment.)

5. Create an Environment of Cooperation.Do projects together as a family that involve cooperation. Talk about how important it is for the family to cooperate. Avoid games or activities that promote fighting or excessive competition in your kids. (There is not a game or activity on the ever living planet that will NOT incite my eldest two boys into full on physical altercations usually involving someone getting kicked in the “nads”.)

6. Train Your Kids in Peacemaking when They're Away from Conflict.Talk to your kids about fighting at a time when they're relaxed and open. Ask them about what other options they might have taken rather than to hit their sister. Help them to brainstorm better solutions. (Never relaxed, always blocking their crotch from the next physical altercation.)

7. Try to Avoid Punishing your KidsPunishing kids usually just creates angry kids who are more likely to fight. While some punishment may be inevitable, do your best to give consequences instead. Punishment may bring short term solutions, but will also bring long term problems. (Again, did you raise monkeys or children Mr. Mark? Cetainly it wasn’t children because if it was you would know that sending kids to their room is not for the kids, it is for the parent, so you can count to ten, regroup, and avoid committing homicide or losing it to the point you drool all over yourself making incoherent sentences about stopping hitting your brother.)

8. Control How You React to their Fighting.When you must intervene, make sure you stay calm. If you're angry and shaming, you actually make it more likely that fighting will occur again. (See #7. Go to your room.)

9. Limit the Number of Fighting Opportunities You Give your Kids.Think about what has the potential to start fights. Don't buy a red ball and a blue ball, this may easily result in a fight by your kids. Buy two red balls--no fight. Be familiar with the times in which fighting occurs the most-when they're hungry or tired. Take precautions, like having dinner ready before the "bewitching hour" occurs. (Balls, they kick each other in them, no matter the color. Potential exists EVERYWHERE for fighting. I look wrong at one, they fight. I give one a pen and one a pencil, they fight. I tell one to bring the laundry upstairs and the other to bring it downstairs, suddenly I have mixtures of clean and dirty laundry lining the floor from the upstairs to the downstairs and both of them are crying and screaming. Do you know how hard it is to schedule their daily chores strategically so they will never be in the same room at the same time doing the same chore, because they WILL fight.)

10. Love Your Kids for All They're WorthEvery day tell them you love them, and more importantly--show them. Kids who feel emotionally connected to their parents are the least likely to fight. This won't eliminate it, but the alternative isn't pretty at all. (I do love them all, more than life. I just think right now I LIKE Caden a little better. He’s 18 months, doesn’t talk back, and only fights with the dog.)