BSA - National Racketeering

BOY SCOUTS OF AMERICA -
"Racketeering parents since 1930"

racketeering: (v) An organized conspiracy to commit crimes of extortion or coercion.


I'm a tad bitter and I have had a throbbing headache for over a week now, so you might want to stop reading my incoherent, bitter ramblings. On the other hand, if you have a male child in your home that ever intends to call himself an almighty "Eagle Scout" please read on for warning ...

Scout Oath (or Promise)
On my honor I will do my best To do my duty to God and my country and to obey the Scout Law; To help other people at all times;To keep myself physically strong, mentally awake, and morally straight.

Scout Law
A Scout is trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly, courteous, kind, obedient, cheerful, thrifty,brave, clean, and reverent.

The Scout Oath and Law, as I have clearly posted, pronounces a few things very clearly. A scout is to be "mentally awake ... morally straight ... and thrifty." Let's explore these three items. First, apparently no one told the BSA that these laws also apply to the parent(s) of boy scouters. Why? No "mentally awake, morally straight, thrifty" person can possibly find sense in purchasing anything from the BSA. Even if you have piles of money stuffed under your bedroom mattress for frivolous spending (I know you all have this, don't lie), you can still not profess yourself to be "mentally awake, morally straight, or thrifty" if you purchase the BSA required uniform for your scouter ... and this is just the beginning.
I think BSA is an organization secretly involved in parental racketeering. Clearly, purchasing a single "number" to place on your BSA uniform (and most have at least 3 numbers) for almost $2 is extortion. Did your little darling go to the train station and ride the rails for his "rail riding merit badge" (no, I can't make this crap up, it's for real, I wish I could make it up, truly I do)? Congratulations! You now have to purchase the corresponding merit badge to be sewn (another nightmare) onto the gold encrusted BSA shirt (okay, so I haven't seen the gold encrusting on Drew's shirt, but for the price, I am sure there is gold on or in the damned thing somewhere) for a mere $3-$8 dollars. What the hell?

BSA further commits extortion through coercion convincing the NATION that being an Eagle Scout is the end all be all to eventual manhood. Didn't Obama use that line? That he was an Eagle Scout? Hmmm, hell of alot of good that has done our nation. I guess there isn't a merit badge for anything financial ... oh wait, BSA doesn't want you to know about finances, they just want you to put your credit card "on file". Maybe that's why Obama is putting the nation into financial duress, former BSA days, he's putting America's "card on file". I digress.

Humor me. Let's discuss extortion and coercion for a moment and the whole Eagle Scout idealism. Once upon a time, let's say almost 20 years ago, my little sister and I went on a backpacking trip in the Wind Rivers region with our Dad and an all male all the time group of our cohorts. We were the only females, and as such, deemed unworthy of all things outdoors or manly ... including but not limited to the ability to "make fire". We were, as so emphatically stated amongst our group of males, amongst "Eagle Scouts", after all.

The first evening we arrived in our camp it was cold, wet, and did I mention cold. We were exhausted from our all day drive to the "hiking drop off point" and all I wanted was a vanilla soy latte' and a warm bed. But, alas, I was in the wild surrounded by "Eagle Scouts" and such things were not available. The best I could hope for was an MRE (meal ready to eat, gross by the way, especially when your Dad purchases them from the local military surplus store so I am pretty sure they are circa WWII) packet slightly warmed in boiling water. However, this luxury required fire to boil the water. But, no worries, we were amongst "Eagle Scouts", as my sister and I were AGAIN informed by the masses.

I was to tired and hungry to express my disgust over this male dominated world my sister and I were about to entertain for the next week, so I sat back and kept my comments to myself as I watched the "Eagle Scouts" attempt to make fire. Did I say attempt? Yes, I did. The "Eagle Scouts" tried to make fire in some half-assed backwards nonsensical approach. My sister and I sort of sat and stared at them, for over an hour, as more of the "Eagle Scouts" in our group gathered. It would seem that this "make fire" tasking would take more than 4 Eagle Scouts to complete the job. An hour passed ... no fire. My sister and I looked at each other, not helplessly, but with the "stupid boys" look in our eyes. Linda, our mother, had raised us amongst many other things to know one thing ... in many situations boys are stupid and eventually you just have to do it yourself. I was hungry, and cold. Get out of the way Eagle Scouts.

My sister and I had participated in "church girls camp" since we were 12. I was 18 at the time, so a good 6 years of "church girls camp". Church camp happened annually. There were no merit badges involved, no gathering of levels of manhood (I think Drew is currently trying to get his Ferret or Rodent, or Tender Rat or something) towards Eagledom, nothing. There were "levels", but they went by year, and each year you learned a little more, and each year you bettered your poker game and brought more candy with which to "gamble". Despite my sister and I being certified black jack dealers (6 years girls camp = full certification in Las Vegas style black jack), we had also learned a few survival skills along the road ... once a year mind you ... not gathering Ferrets and Rodents along the way. We COULD make fire.

Maranda (that's the sister) and I bid the Eagle scouts adieu' much to their manly chagrin. I think if we were both wielding machete's to cut off their manhood their faces would have been less disgustingly disfigured than two "non eagle scouts" manifesting "move, we'll make the fire". Maranda and I gathered up our "fire makin' tools", and within about 2 minutes, wala', fire. To this day, I have found little or no need for scouting. Of course, then God blessed (uh-huh) me with 3 boys, who will all inevitably want to be in the BSA. Gross. Eagle Scout? Whatever.

Our church has bought into the madness of scouting so there is further coercion towards your son becoming an "Eagle Scout" one day. When your son turns 10/11 years of age, the scouting begins ... your parents (that would be me) take out a second mortgage on their home and purchase your BSA outfit and sew (that would be me again) on the accompanying crap for the shirt. My mom said, "make sure you use a big stitch, you'll have to move all of the patches, I hated doing that with your little brothers shirt ... did it for years ...". (At this point mom moved into the corner, curled into the fetal position, and started sucking her thumb reminiscing about moving patches, purchasing patches, "rounds of applause", and cake auctions at blue and gold or white or whatever events to help offset the outrageous cost of the BSA events.) I still haven't sewed on the patches, I'm scared I'll have to move them.

So, the madness begins at 10-11 years of age, patches are moved, your credit card is ablaze from BSA "required" purchases, and what do you get? A party, I think similar to a Jewish Bar mitzvah for a boy coming of age, wherein your "Eagle Scout" wears his "BSA CERTIFIED" badges, and accompanying clothing, looking like a super dork, and everyone gives him a "round of applause" (round of applause: picture your hands going in a circle over your head in a round shape clapping) and then the kid gets to say, "I'm an Eagle Scout" and eventually use it in his successful presidential election... stating he his "mentally straight, morally awake, and thrifty" but he still can't make fire or budget to save his life.

I think parents should unite and stop the madness. Not kidding. The BSA Gods may strike me down, and I might have to have a special meeting with our church hierarchy about my bitter attitude, but I think this is a fight that deserves a good right hook. The BSA is smooth and cunning convincing a whole nation, including Normal Rockwell, that being a scout is all that is American and if you aren't ... perish the thought. I wonder if Normal Rockwell's parents had to purchase all of the scout crap I have to purchase today? I can "make fire" and a "budget" and I don't have a merit badge to prove it. I'm still worthy. My Aunt and Uncle set a RULE in their house that you have to have your Eagle Scout (typically happens when you are 16) before you can get your drivers license. No Eagle, no drive? I only had to learn my times tables to get my ears pierced ... and that only cost mom a set of earrings, no merit badges or banquets.

As I write, I am thinking that perhaps the whole scouting idea is really creating a bunch of wimps. Why do you have to have a banquet to show you tied a knot or rode a train or cooked an egg (all merit badges, again, I can't make this crap up)? Why can't you just learn the skill and move on? At the very least, I think Mr. Eagle Scout President Elect Obama should let parents write purchased scout crap off their taxes. I think Jon and I would enter a new tax bracket if he would allow that... I think its called, "the working poor".

My sister called me the other day (Maranda) to tell me she had been given a new job at church ... Den Leader. She is currently looking for a scout shirt and has considered going to the thrift store. I told her, "do it, go to the thrift store, maybe you can find a shirt with the crap already sewed onto it, but make sure the stitch is loose, you'll have to move them, ask Mom." She doesn't want to look "frumpy", I told her "not possible, you're in BSA dork wear." Let's just hope my little sister can take some of her black-jack toting, fire making girls camp skills and teach my nephew better than an Eagle Scout. Maybe one day he can preserve the family name and make fire? Let's just hope the nation never needs to call on its Eagle Scouts ... I think the Girl Scouts should be on speed dial. Amen.