Pregnancy ... cravings, and needles, and doctors, oh my

I am happy to report that there may be an end in sight for the morning sickness.  I have recently regained my appetite, and am even keeping down the foods I crave.  I currently have an unhealthy relationship with nectarines and am praying that ends soon with the nectarine season.  Finding them mid winter could be an expensive problem.   My energy levels are sort of coming back, but this whole "growing life" situation at 36 years of age takes a toll.  Now I know why women have babies in their 20's.

I'm starting to have a few insights into this pregnancy the further it progresses.  In my last post I said I feel no connection to this child, and I have death issues.  I still have death issues, and I still feel no connection, but I think I may know a little bit why I feel this way ... and that helps me understand it's going ot be okay.  This whole pregnancy, from the day I found out I was pregnant at about 5 weeks, has been filled with doctors and tests and ultrasounds and more doctors and more tests and more ultrasounds.  I feel like I haven't had a second to breathe or even take in the fact that I am growing this little life inside of me.  Everything to this point has been, "protect the mom".

I think the doctor telling me I could die triggered a windfall of emotions.  Guilt that I might not be here for my boys, fear that Jon might have to make a choice between the baby or I, and admittedly a little anger.  I think accepting the anger has been the most difficult.  While I sit at doctor's appointments, have blood drawn repeatedly, watch ulltrasounds, inject myself with blood thinners 2x day, there has been no time to just sit and absorb that a miracle has occurred.  This baby has been treated as more of a parasite sucking the potential life out of me ... noone has ever said, "Wow.  This is a miracle."

The other day I watched some show about infertility.  Of course, it resonated.  I've been on the other side of this fertility fence, I've cried with friends who went through the same ordeal.  My first two boys, Andrew and Bradyn, were the result of years of prayers and fertility treatments.  I know what it is to lose a pregnancy you so desperately want, I know what it is to be dissapointed month after month thinking God is punishing you, I know what it is to sit in a doctor's office and have them look you straight in the eye and tell you that you will never have children ... and adoption takes a long time.  I remember once telling my Mom, "I would rather have the worst pregnancy in the world, than to never have a pregnancy at all ..."  Ironic how life works.

While I still feel no real connection to this life that is growing inside of me, I am starting to feel an amazing transformation of gratitude rather than anger.  This child was meant to be.  Whether or not this was in my plan, or Jon's plans, or our families' plans, it is meant to be and has been waiting a very long time to make it's unexpected entrance into our lives.  While this pregnancy has by far been the worst thus far, it is probably also the most miraculous.  There are a series of events over the course of the past year that had to all work in combination for this ever happen ... and I am starting to see that everything is for a reason leading up to what's happening right now.

My Mom told me to not push having a connection ... that it will come with time.  I think it might if I can continue to see this baby as a miraculous blessing, rather than what the doctors are treating as a "problem" and "mistake".  I have a whole 3 weeks before another doctor's appointment.  It's the longest time I have had between visits thus far in the pregnancy ... and I am only 13 1/2 weeks along.  The preliminary tests are back saying the baby is genetically intact (negative for Down's Syndrome and Trisomy 18).  My gazillion blood tests are back saying my body is cooperating with the pregnancy.  I think now is a perfect time to actually breathe and think about this tiny little life growing inside of me.