You did THAT to Mom, THREE TIMES!

Recently it hascome to my attention that my e-mails to teachers of my children are being fwd to other teachers for cheap giggles.  While I am okay with this, (apparently my father wrote some spectacularly (is that a word?) embarassing, yet entertaining letters that were hung in the faculty room during my elementary school years.  Today with the onset of e-mail, noone even has to take the time to put a pin into the wall with said letter.  In this vein, I am calling this new Post Options, "letters to teachers".  The first of many letters (and more if I can find them in my old e-mails), read below.  This was in response to Drew bringing home, "we're having the maturation day" at school.  No longer do kids make careful invitations in class, inviting Mom/Dad.  Now it is a single form, here it is, don't you dare come this day, just sign the damned form.  As any parent, I was a tad concerned when I saw the words, "and a speaker from planned parenthood, who has been here many years prior, and does a wonderful job, will be coming back this year."  Immediately visions of bananas and condoms filled my head, so I sent an e-mail to Drew's sciece teacher asking "what" the kids would be learning, just a basic run down.  The following is my response to Drew's science teacher: Mr. Josh Goldstein

Josh,



Thanks for the heads up on the HS (health studies) course. Last year, in New Hampshire, middle school starts in 5th grade, so Drew has already had this “course”. The little New England town we lived in had a slew of teen pregnancies so they just preached, “DON’T DO IT, EVER, DON’T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT.” I was on the school board at the time and my thoughts were, “they are OBVIOUSLY doing “it”, how about we tell them don’t, but if you do …” Colorado seems a little more laid back than New England. Bottom line, not kidding, I just wanted to make sure Drew wouldn’t be coming home showing me his newly acquired skill of placing a condom on a banana learned from the planned parenthood speaker.


It was ridiculous, at best, the knowledge Drew came home with when he was 9! After some parental advice from my mother, the Elementary School Principal, Jon and I took the bull by the horns, bought Drew a “book” explaining the whole thing, told him to read it, and if he had any questions to ask us. That’s how Drew learns, so that’s what we did. Anyhow, I had just told the boys I was pregnant with our third child about a month earlier.  Drew read the book and Jon and I stared at him, he asked very scientific based questions and was handling the whole situation like a medical student… until he got to the page explaining the “mechanics”. His eyes got enormous, and he looked Jon straight in the eye and said the following:


“Dad,” then he pointed at himself, “if I’m here, and Bradyn’s here, and Mom is pregnant … that means YOU did THAT to Mom three times!” My husband couldn’t control himself and burst into laughter, I was trying to be an adult and explain the miracle of babies, but all was lost at that point as Drew exclaimed, “THAT is the most disgusting thing I have ever heard of!” and slammed the book on the floor.


So, since the focus this year will be deodorant, take a shower, don’t be gross, could you possibly add to the years Health Science curriculum, ALWAYS put the toilet seat down? My boys are trained in this, but sleepovers friends have yet to learn this skill. I would be ever so grateful.

Thanks for your help and patience,


Cortney