How to stop the Boys Fighting Constantly?

Today I was surfing in desperation for ways to stop my oldest two boys from killing one another … found this article and have to comment … are you kidding me Mr. Brandenburg? Did you raise children or apes? - Cortney

Sibling Rivalry: Ten Ways to Prevent Kids from Fighting
by Mark Brandenburg, MA, CPCC

Fighting among siblings is as natural as the changing of the seasons. And contrary to what many parents believe, sibling rivalry is a sign of mental health in a family. While there may be times when it's difficult to deal with, there are some simple things you can do to limit fighting and make it tolerable: (IF fighting is a sign of mental health than we are no longer a self proclaimed dysfunctional family, but rather the picture of mental stability.)

1. Ignore Their FightingFighting is often a way for kids to get you to notice them. If you ignore their fighting (unless weapons are involved), there will be less incentive for them to do it. (Are you freaking kidding me? How do you ignore screams of, “he kicked me in the BAAAAAAALS!” While grocery shopping as shoppers stare on waiting for your response. Trust me, I’ve tried to leave them in the aisle and pray someone else takes them home.)

2. Treat Your Kids the Same When it Comes to FightingIf you get into who started things, you may be training your kids to be victims and bullies. Put them in the same boat and don't take sides. (Treat them the same … uh, huh. So when Drew initiates, Bradyn cries at the drop of a hat, and Caden just sort of watches the whole thing go down I lock all three of them in the bathroom and make them sing primary songs?)

3. Give Your Kids Positive Reinforcement when they're Cooperating.Let them know they're doing a wonderful job when they get along. This one's easy to forget, but vitally important. Give them attention when they're behaving the way you want. Continually telling them to stop may actually be creating more fighting! (When does this happen, do they behave when they are 18? Because I am still waiting for a day when my kids behave so I CAN positively reinforce them!)

4. Limit Your Own Fighting and Arguing.Having your kids see occasional arguing and "making up" from you is fine, but your kids will learn how to be peaceful from you. Don't expect them to do it well if you don't show them how. (Uh, no comment.)

5. Create an Environment of Cooperation.Do projects together as a family that involve cooperation. Talk about how important it is for the family to cooperate. Avoid games or activities that promote fighting or excessive competition in your kids. (There is not a game or activity on the ever living planet that will NOT incite my eldest two boys into full on physical altercations usually involving someone getting kicked in the “nads”.)

6. Train Your Kids in Peacemaking when They're Away from Conflict.Talk to your kids about fighting at a time when they're relaxed and open. Ask them about what other options they might have taken rather than to hit their sister. Help them to brainstorm better solutions. (Never relaxed, always blocking their crotch from the next physical altercation.)

7. Try to Avoid Punishing your KidsPunishing kids usually just creates angry kids who are more likely to fight. While some punishment may be inevitable, do your best to give consequences instead. Punishment may bring short term solutions, but will also bring long term problems. (Again, did you raise monkeys or children Mr. Mark? Cetainly it wasn’t children because if it was you would know that sending kids to their room is not for the kids, it is for the parent, so you can count to ten, regroup, and avoid committing homicide or losing it to the point you drool all over yourself making incoherent sentences about stopping hitting your brother.)

8. Control How You React to their Fighting.When you must intervene, make sure you stay calm. If you're angry and shaming, you actually make it more likely that fighting will occur again. (See #7. Go to your room.)

9. Limit the Number of Fighting Opportunities You Give your Kids.Think about what has the potential to start fights. Don't buy a red ball and a blue ball, this may easily result in a fight by your kids. Buy two red balls--no fight. Be familiar with the times in which fighting occurs the most-when they're hungry or tired. Take precautions, like having dinner ready before the "bewitching hour" occurs. (Balls, they kick each other in them, no matter the color. Potential exists EVERYWHERE for fighting. I look wrong at one, they fight. I give one a pen and one a pencil, they fight. I tell one to bring the laundry upstairs and the other to bring it downstairs, suddenly I have mixtures of clean and dirty laundry lining the floor from the upstairs to the downstairs and both of them are crying and screaming. Do you know how hard it is to schedule their daily chores strategically so they will never be in the same room at the same time doing the same chore, because they WILL fight.)

10. Love Your Kids for All They're WorthEvery day tell them you love them, and more importantly--show them. Kids who feel emotionally connected to their parents are the least likely to fight. This won't eliminate it, but the alternative isn't pretty at all. (I do love them all, more than life. I just think right now I LIKE Caden a little better. He’s 18 months, doesn’t talk back, and only fights with the dog.)

Bradyn is in FIRST GRADE!

This is Bradyn. He was/is SOOO cute! What cheeks! Bradyn was about a year old here ... and yes, he loved swwwt potatoes and carrots! Can you tell from his orange nose?! Yesterday at age 6, he entered first grade. There are days like yesterday when I watch my second child entering first grade that I have to hide a tear thinking about how the time flies by far to fast. My mom is always telling me time will fly ... and I am always thinking,"it better fly, or my money's on me being fully insane." Bradyn was borderline coma induced about first grade. Every time I asked if he was excited he simply said, "uh, no, not really" and I think he really didn't care. Is this normal? Since Bradyn is the second and has an older brother, he is all things cool. His school is a few blocks away and the morning was gorgeous so we decided to walk. Caden packed into his "motorcycle" (a tricycle wiht a handle I push while he stands up on it and makes "vrrrooom, vrrrommm, go, go now" sounds) and we were off. Caden chattered the whole way telling me to "go, go now" and Bradyn talked a little bit. As we got closer I figured the kid would be a little nervous, I mean this was first grade, so I offered a hand. He REFUSED! WHAT! I offered again and pointed out that the other mommies were holding their kids hands so this was okay. He again said, "Mooooom, I'm to old for that!" AUGH! He is not to old! I took a moment to contain my emotions at the fact that this poor child was the beneficiary of his elder brother's teenager wisdom. He did let me half heartedly hug him and I snuck in a kiss on the cheek that he promptly responded with, "MOOOOOOM!" Okay, it broke my heart a little. I admit it. But he was not nervous, not even a little, and he stood in the line ready to be called in by his teacher. As he entered the school I thought to myself, "goodbye my sweet little Bradyn, please let the world be kind."

Really Drew, the first day of school?

This is Drew ... about 8 years ago. He was 4 here. So cute. Such a smiler! I have to review old phots often these days ... so I don't kill Drew. Drew is now a teenager, almost 12, anf going on 30. He's ... well, read on ... so yesterday I take Drew to his first day of middle school. Now in Franklin, NH middle school started in the 5th grade, here in Colorado it is normal and starts in the 6th grade. The evening before after football practice he and his teammates looked for their names on the wall with the other kids posting his teacher, where to go to his first class, etc. His name was nowhere to be found. So he was panicked. All I could say to him was, "Drew, you know me, you know that heads will roll first thing in the morning at that middle school. Don't worry." So at the first sign of light Drew and I are out the door and in the middle school parking lot like shoppers waiting for the Kohl's early bird day after Thanksgiving sale. Anyhow, when the doors open we are ready. I march into the office and politely tell them they have their proverbial heads up their behinds and perhaps they should register my son now since I had only been to the Middle School three times over the last 3 months! Interestingly, they cannot find his paperwork ... oh, except the paperwork from the Elementary School he attended for all of three weeks with his teachers recommendation that Drew be in all honors classes. So he obviously EXISTED! We are led in to the guidance counselors office and she is profusely apologetic. I was slow to thaw, but eventual came around to her happy side of the mountain. Drew was nervous initially, but that soon changed. In the seat next to me on the other side of the guidance counselor's desk I see Drew putting both hands behind his head getting all casual. When Drew assumes this pose you always have to wonder, "God, please don't let him embarrass me, please MAKE him keep his mouth shut, even a moment of stunned dumbness would be okay!" God never listens to my pleas where my children are concerned in the embarrassment department. I think it is all about "humbling" me or some other silly thing. Anyhow, like a slow motion movie I see Drew open his mouth I am screaming inside NOOOOOOOO! Suddenly it happens, "So, how's the school lunch here because at the elementary school it was nothing to brag about." I shot him the shut the hell up look, but he didn't take the hint. The guidance counselor fortunately had dealt with his kind before and she chatted away about Dominoes Pizza coming in Monday Wednesday and Friday. Drew responds, "Oh good, because my friend told me the school tried to make their own pizza and not have dominoes come in and the school pizza was a hot mess!" Holy crap. Again, the death stare, which he doesn't seem to even notice or care about. The counselor laughed. Stop laughing silly woman, you are engaging the beast. So, she prattles on about his schedule and teachers and I asked about the gifted and talented program. She told me he would be enrolled and do I recall what specifically he was gifted in? I said a few subjects and she started talking to Drew about teachers. She said the math teacher is great and the science teacher is allot of fun ... and before the woman could finish Drew states, "oh good, I'm glad the science teacher is fun because when I lived in New Hampshire my science teacher, Ms. Norwood, was, well let's just say she had difficulty interacting with her students." Kill me now or let my crawl under a chair. The guidance counselor started to tell Drew he had nothing to worry about and Drew says, "yeah, she was a piece of work, she got all bent out of shape if you were silent reading in her class and it wasn't a science book ..." I finally intervened and cut him off and out loud said, "Drew, time to CLAMP IT!" He looks right at me and says, "what? she was! You know she was!" I responded, "Drew, new state, new school, new teachers. Ms Norwood didn't transfer with you so no worries, okay?" I said this with a bit of an undertone of the death tone. You know, the one where your lips don't move in church as you are telling your kids, "when we get home so help me I am going to lock you in your room and feed you bread and water for three days, STOP touching you brother, NOW!" So, Drew has made an impression already. Heaven help us all.

BSA - National Racketeering

BSA - National Racketeering

BSA - National Racketeering

BOY SCOUTS OF AMERICA -
"Racketeering parents since 1930"

racketeering: (v) An organized conspiracy to commit crimes of extortion or coercion.


I'm a tad bitter and I have had a throbbing headache for over a week now, so you might want to stop reading my incoherent, bitter ramblings. On the other hand, if you have a male child in your home that ever intends to call himself an almighty "Eagle Scout" please read on for warning ...

Scout Oath (or Promise)
On my honor I will do my best To do my duty to God and my country and to obey the Scout Law; To help other people at all times;To keep myself physically strong, mentally awake, and morally straight.

Scout Law
A Scout is trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly, courteous, kind, obedient, cheerful, thrifty,brave, clean, and reverent.

The Scout Oath and Law, as I have clearly posted, pronounces a few things very clearly. A scout is to be "mentally awake ... morally straight ... and thrifty." Let's explore these three items. First, apparently no one told the BSA that these laws also apply to the parent(s) of boy scouters. Why? No "mentally awake, morally straight, thrifty" person can possibly find sense in purchasing anything from the BSA. Even if you have piles of money stuffed under your bedroom mattress for frivolous spending (I know you all have this, don't lie), you can still not profess yourself to be "mentally awake, morally straight, or thrifty" if you purchase the BSA required uniform for your scouter ... and this is just the beginning.
I think BSA is an organization secretly involved in parental racketeering. Clearly, purchasing a single "number" to place on your BSA uniform (and most have at least 3 numbers) for almost $2 is extortion. Did your little darling go to the train station and ride the rails for his "rail riding merit badge" (no, I can't make this crap up, it's for real, I wish I could make it up, truly I do)? Congratulations! You now have to purchase the corresponding merit badge to be sewn (another nightmare) onto the gold encrusted BSA shirt (okay, so I haven't seen the gold encrusting on Drew's shirt, but for the price, I am sure there is gold on or in the damned thing somewhere) for a mere $3-$8 dollars. What the hell?

BSA further commits extortion through coercion convincing the NATION that being an Eagle Scout is the end all be all to eventual manhood. Didn't Obama use that line? That he was an Eagle Scout? Hmmm, hell of alot of good that has done our nation. I guess there isn't a merit badge for anything financial ... oh wait, BSA doesn't want you to know about finances, they just want you to put your credit card "on file". Maybe that's why Obama is putting the nation into financial duress, former BSA days, he's putting America's "card on file". I digress.

Humor me. Let's discuss extortion and coercion for a moment and the whole Eagle Scout idealism. Once upon a time, let's say almost 20 years ago, my little sister and I went on a backpacking trip in the Wind Rivers region with our Dad and an all male all the time group of our cohorts. We were the only females, and as such, deemed unworthy of all things outdoors or manly ... including but not limited to the ability to "make fire". We were, as so emphatically stated amongst our group of males, amongst "Eagle Scouts", after all.

The first evening we arrived in our camp it was cold, wet, and did I mention cold. We were exhausted from our all day drive to the "hiking drop off point" and all I wanted was a vanilla soy latte' and a warm bed. But, alas, I was in the wild surrounded by "Eagle Scouts" and such things were not available. The best I could hope for was an MRE (meal ready to eat, gross by the way, especially when your Dad purchases them from the local military surplus store so I am pretty sure they are circa WWII) packet slightly warmed in boiling water. However, this luxury required fire to boil the water. But, no worries, we were amongst "Eagle Scouts", as my sister and I were AGAIN informed by the masses.

I was to tired and hungry to express my disgust over this male dominated world my sister and I were about to entertain for the next week, so I sat back and kept my comments to myself as I watched the "Eagle Scouts" attempt to make fire. Did I say attempt? Yes, I did. The "Eagle Scouts" tried to make fire in some half-assed backwards nonsensical approach. My sister and I sort of sat and stared at them, for over an hour, as more of the "Eagle Scouts" in our group gathered. It would seem that this "make fire" tasking would take more than 4 Eagle Scouts to complete the job. An hour passed ... no fire. My sister and I looked at each other, not helplessly, but with the "stupid boys" look in our eyes. Linda, our mother, had raised us amongst many other things to know one thing ... in many situations boys are stupid and eventually you just have to do it yourself. I was hungry, and cold. Get out of the way Eagle Scouts.

My sister and I had participated in "church girls camp" since we were 12. I was 18 at the time, so a good 6 years of "church girls camp". Church camp happened annually. There were no merit badges involved, no gathering of levels of manhood (I think Drew is currently trying to get his Ferret or Rodent, or Tender Rat or something) towards Eagledom, nothing. There were "levels", but they went by year, and each year you learned a little more, and each year you bettered your poker game and brought more candy with which to "gamble". Despite my sister and I being certified black jack dealers (6 years girls camp = full certification in Las Vegas style black jack), we had also learned a few survival skills along the road ... once a year mind you ... not gathering Ferrets and Rodents along the way. We COULD make fire.

Maranda (that's the sister) and I bid the Eagle scouts adieu' much to their manly chagrin. I think if we were both wielding machete's to cut off their manhood their faces would have been less disgustingly disfigured than two "non eagle scouts" manifesting "move, we'll make the fire". Maranda and I gathered up our "fire makin' tools", and within about 2 minutes, wala', fire. To this day, I have found little or no need for scouting. Of course, then God blessed (uh-huh) me with 3 boys, who will all inevitably want to be in the BSA. Gross. Eagle Scout? Whatever.

Our church has bought into the madness of scouting so there is further coercion towards your son becoming an "Eagle Scout" one day. When your son turns 10/11 years of age, the scouting begins ... your parents (that would be me) take out a second mortgage on their home and purchase your BSA outfit and sew (that would be me again) on the accompanying crap for the shirt. My mom said, "make sure you use a big stitch, you'll have to move all of the patches, I hated doing that with your little brothers shirt ... did it for years ...". (At this point mom moved into the corner, curled into the fetal position, and started sucking her thumb reminiscing about moving patches, purchasing patches, "rounds of applause", and cake auctions at blue and gold or white or whatever events to help offset the outrageous cost of the BSA events.) I still haven't sewed on the patches, I'm scared I'll have to move them.

So, the madness begins at 10-11 years of age, patches are moved, your credit card is ablaze from BSA "required" purchases, and what do you get? A party, I think similar to a Jewish Bar mitzvah for a boy coming of age, wherein your "Eagle Scout" wears his "BSA CERTIFIED" badges, and accompanying clothing, looking like a super dork, and everyone gives him a "round of applause" (round of applause: picture your hands going in a circle over your head in a round shape clapping) and then the kid gets to say, "I'm an Eagle Scout" and eventually use it in his successful presidential election... stating he his "mentally straight, morally awake, and thrifty" but he still can't make fire or budget to save his life.

I think parents should unite and stop the madness. Not kidding. The BSA Gods may strike me down, and I might have to have a special meeting with our church hierarchy about my bitter attitude, but I think this is a fight that deserves a good right hook. The BSA is smooth and cunning convincing a whole nation, including Normal Rockwell, that being a scout is all that is American and if you aren't ... perish the thought. I wonder if Normal Rockwell's parents had to purchase all of the scout crap I have to purchase today? I can "make fire" and a "budget" and I don't have a merit badge to prove it. I'm still worthy. My Aunt and Uncle set a RULE in their house that you have to have your Eagle Scout (typically happens when you are 16) before you can get your drivers license. No Eagle, no drive? I only had to learn my times tables to get my ears pierced ... and that only cost mom a set of earrings, no merit badges or banquets.

As I write, I am thinking that perhaps the whole scouting idea is really creating a bunch of wimps. Why do you have to have a banquet to show you tied a knot or rode a train or cooked an egg (all merit badges, again, I can't make this crap up)? Why can't you just learn the skill and move on? At the very least, I think Mr. Eagle Scout President Elect Obama should let parents write purchased scout crap off their taxes. I think Jon and I would enter a new tax bracket if he would allow that... I think its called, "the working poor".

My sister called me the other day (Maranda) to tell me she had been given a new job at church ... Den Leader. She is currently looking for a scout shirt and has considered going to the thrift store. I told her, "do it, go to the thrift store, maybe you can find a shirt with the crap already sewed onto it, but make sure the stitch is loose, you'll have to move them, ask Mom." She doesn't want to look "frumpy", I told her "not possible, you're in BSA dork wear." Let's just hope my little sister can take some of her black-jack toting, fire making girls camp skills and teach my nephew better than an Eagle Scout. Maybe one day he can preserve the family name and make fire? Let's just hope the nation never needs to call on its Eagle Scouts ... I think the Girl Scouts should be on speed dial. Amen.