The Good Wife's Guide ... Revised

An oldie, but it never gets old! Please see the good wife’s guide on the link below ... then see my REALITY version! Cort

http://www.samtsai.com/p419/the-good-wifes-guide-guys-favorite

Just in case any of you were wondering what you are supposed to do when you husband comes home from work, here are a few tips to follow. I always do this for Jon!
Oh wait, no, here is the reality …

“Have dinner ready, plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious dinner ready … most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal is part of the warm welcome needed …”
Have the number to the local pizza place on speed dial. If you don’t have one close, make sure you always have bacon in the fridge. Your husband may not appreciate hours spent on a new chicken dish, but put a slap of heaping bacon in front of him and he and his cholesterol-clogged arteries will thank you.

“Prepare yourself, take 15 minutes to rest so you’ll be refreshed when he arrives…”
Lock yourself in the bathroom or bedroom away from your children. If you are lucky, your children will give up beating on the door after 5 minutes and will trun their efforts to destroying your house or beating one another. This will provide you with time to rethink your life’s direction before your husband comes home.

“Be a little gay … his boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it …”
Be a little gay? My neighbor actually has a recurring “girls gone wild” fantasy world he lives in. Perhaps this means purchase the latest, “Girls Gone Wild, Co-Eds on Parade” so that your husband can see a little pretend lesbian gay on the television? Not sure.

“Clear away the clutter … make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives …”
Kick a trail through assorted children and dog toys from the front door to the kitchen. After all, when your husband comes home he will immediately start removing his work clothes and throwing them wherever they land on his way to the kitchen to give the fridge a hug and a kiss… you don’t want him tripping on his way!

“Gather up school books, etc. … run a dustcloth over the tables …”
Brush away all chunks from the table, open the back door and let your dog in to clean the floor. Sometimes the dog (if you have a cat-dog like ours), will step onto the counter or table. This just saves dusting for you as the dogs furry butt will slide across the dusty table removing any dusting work for you. Remove the dog from the counter/table.

“Over the cooler months of the year, you should prepare and light a fire …after all catering for his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction…”
Give the children a book of matches to play with. They should have a roaring fire started on the living room carpet within moments. For a special treat, sometimes the children will light the dog’s tail on fire. Flame propellants, such as lighter fluid and gasoline, should be left where children can explore the possibilities. Your husband will enjoy the fact that his son’s can create fire in his absence, and then they can all pee on it together. It will provide an important moment of bonding.

“Prepare the children … take a few moments and wash their hands and faces, comb their hair, and if necessary change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part … minimize noise … try to encourage the children to be quiet …”
Prepare the children … take a few moments to threaten them about their recent fire lighting escapades with the “death whisper”. Wrap your husband’s little treasures hands with rope so that they can not wreak further havoc. This is, of course, after you have locked yourself in the bedroom/bathroom for 15 minutes. Never bind your children with rope in anger. Encourage the children to shut up by using threatening phrases such as, “wait until your dad gets home”.

“Be happy to see him …greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity when you greet him”
Sincerely offer him his bound and gagged children with a smile indicating you are happy that he is home and you are now off duty.

“Listen to him, you may have a list of things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours …”
As your husband unbinds and de-gags his “little treasures” hold off on telling him that the youngest called 911 and that the city will be billing him for the “false alarm”. Remember, his news of the fabulous place he had lunch, with real live adults and real food, is far more important.

“Make the evening his … never complain if he goes out to dinner or other places of entertainment. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his very real need to be at home and relax…”
Make the evening all about him. If your husband goes out to “other places of entertainment”, don’t hesitate to call the local authorities to pick him up and bring him home so that he can take care of the children as you make travel arrangements to your mother’s and consult with the divorce attorney.

“Your goal, try to make sure your home is a place of peace, tranquility … where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit.”
See gag and bind the children. Tell your husband to find himself in the yard, with his lawnmower, renewed by mother nature in her bounty. Your husband will appreciate any opportunity to utilize tools of power (ie: lawnmower, weedwacker, etc.) to fend off his stressful day.

“Don’t greet him with complaints and problems …”
See hold off on telling him about the 911 call … and the fact that your oldest checked the aerodynamics of the dog … and they weren’t that good.

“Don’t complain if he’s home late for dinner … or even gone all night. Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through all day.”
Don’t be home if he’s late … especially if he’s gone all night. Leave a cheerful note explaining to him that he can now have all the peace and tranquility he needs … as long as he makes sure your monthly alimony and child support check isn’t late.

“Make him comfortable, have him lean back in a comfortable chair … have a cool or warm drink ready for him.”
Offer him something with hard liquor. After all, you’ve been drinking all day, perhaps if you are both loaded the children won’t seem “that bad”?

“Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes … speak in a low, soothing voice.”
Resist the urge to arrange a pillow over his head if he complains about dinner. Speak in a low, soothing death tone telling him that you have been with “his” children all day and the last thing you want to hear is a complaint about the pile of bacon you just gave him for dinner.

“Don’t ask him questions or question his judgement … he is the master of the house and will exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness … you have no right to question him.”
Allow your husband to feel like he is in charge. In fact, tell him that he IS in charge of his “little treasures” as you leave the house in a dead sprint. Allow him to be the “master” of his house without you assisting. Let him rule his kingdom and his “little treasures”.

“A good wife always knows her place…”
A good wife knows she is better off at the day spa.

As Always,
Cortney