The Cat Makes 5: July 2009

Born and raised in Utah I was taught many things ... least of which was the plethora of urban legend some swore as sacred that we don't drink coke products. Hmmmm. I didn't see that one anywhere written down? Hmmmm. While I have never been much of a soda drinker, the whole "coke products" debate never really bothered me, I didn't care, give me a bottle of water, I'm good. So, now I am hearing about a new phenomenon and I think all Mom's should jump on this bandwagon. It's called Excedrin and Diet Coke. Some of you may already know about this underground mommy trend, some of you may be newcomers, I, am a newbie, and not yet sure if a beleiver. The Excedrin and Diet Coke phenomenon involves a mom, her numerous children, oft times mini vans, and the middle of the day. Mom is ripping her hair out, the kids are delirious, and Mom slips into the mini mart for a "fix". What is this "fix"? It's diet coke, yes it is, I swear it. Mom comes back to her mini van, filled with LOUD and OBNOXIOUS children, opens her purse to reveal her Costco sized bottle of Extra Strength Excedrin, and pops a few with a Diet Coke chaser. Suddenly her nerves start to go into slow overload, then a wiff of energy overtakes her, and wa la, mommy can maintain sanity for at least 2 more hours before Daddy manages to get home and Momm can run screaming away from the house.
I don't have Excedrin in my house, and I don't drink soda, so I'm screwed on both rights. But, I think perhaps a new phenomenon should begin. I think Valium should be sold, leglally, at all establishments where a mother/father and multiple children enter at any given time of day. Here is my plan. I have three boys, God has a sense of humor, and while he's rolling around on his heavenly clouds grabbing his sides from fits of laughter at my parenting expense, my children are slowly driving me to a slow and painful grave. My two oldest have taken to the "make him ..." fill in the blank. Then there are the squeels of "leave me ALOOOOONE!", the never ending butt whoops they insist on inflicting on one another, and the noise, the sheer noise of it all ... my head is pounding. Over the past few weeks I have started to make Valium requests at public establishments. For example, I took the boys to Einsteins' Bagels. They love bagels, this should be easy. I get to the counter, the Rheese Monkey (aka Caden) is hanging off of my hip, Bradyn is pulling on the bottom of my shirt saying, "can I, uh, I want, uh, can I, uh, want, uh ..." and Drew is leering my direction. "Drew, what do you want to eat?" Drew, in his special tone only reserved for me scowls my direction and says, "I want NOTHING, do you hear me? NOTHING! I hate this place and I hate being here and ..." I know, I know, you hate me too? He'll have a plain bagel. "Bradyn, what do you want?" Bradyn is still trying to decide on juice flavors. "I want a plain bagel toasted with PLAIN cream cheese, PLAIN okay, and toasted, okay, PLAIN..." yeah, yeah, I got it. Are you getting a drink Drew? "I want NOTHING ... wait, FINE, I'll get this!" and he slams a lemonade down on the counter. Then all hell breaks loose. Bradyn apparently put TWO apple juices on the counter, one for him, one for Caden. Drew ASSUMED Bradyn had the audacity to choose his drink and he hollers, "I am NOT DRINKING THAT!!!" Good, it's for your BABY brother. Yes, again, he scowled. I looked sort of helplessly at the person taking our order and said, "Um, if you have it, I would like the soup and a Valium." I didn't smile, I didn't even act like I was joking. He said, "lady, if there was Valium in this store, I would have already taken all of it. Hmmm, he didn't qualify for said Valium. I saw no Monkeys hanging off of his hip, no scowling surly teenager, no indecisive 6 year-old. Stingy, I think he DID take all the Valium!
Next stop, Walmart. God help us all, yes, after the fiasco at Einsteins, I still had to go to Walmart. I was asked no less than 14000 (not a typo, that is 14 THOUSAND) times, "can I have this, can I have this, can we get this, we don't have this, can we get it?" for really important life altering things like, "gum" and "fruit punch" and lollipops. By the time we get to check out I was visibly losing it. The checker, a young sort of looking guy, starts commenting on what I was purchasing ... I hate that, if you're a checker, don't do that, noone wants your commentary on why I am buying Cranberry juice and if it is for the same thing her sister had than it really works for UTI's ... gross! Anyhow, this checker commented on only one item. My EXTRA STRENGTH TENSION HEADACHE EXCEDRIN. "Huh, I can see why you nee this!" I smiled, sort of, and said, "well, when in Rome" since I am hearing this new Excedrin Diet coke hit is all the rage amongst the mommies. He then tells me, "hey, I get it, I have some Xanax in my pocket right now." What the hell sort of conversation was this leading into? he then proceeds to tell me about how he has panick attacks while working the register at Walmart and so he has Xanax on hand at all occasions because, "you don't want to see me when I get a panic attack around all these people and stuff." I just sort of stared at him, almost in a hypnotic sort of "what the hell did you jsut tell me, I'm a stranger to you" sort of look. Then I said, "do you sale Valium here?"

Today I took a second to look back at some old posts I had written about my boys, and I realized that parenthood, although a seemingly endless, joyless, and daunting task some days ... is really sort of hysterical. Who else but kids, especially boys, come up with the crap that they come up with on a daily basis. The adage, "you'll laugh about this later" really is true. As I reread some of their "antics" I am laughing. I don't recall laughing when it actually happened ... I believe there was more anger and complete disbelief that I had actually brought creatures onto this planet that could possibly be this stupid? But,I digress. I've said it once and I will say it again, mind you with all love and sincerity, boys ARE stupid and mine prove my theory every single day.