FAMILY UPDATE

This was originally a response e-mail to my baby brother about some school pictures I had sent of the kids. I will attach photos later, so this makes sense, but for now, here's an update.

Hahahah! Oh yes, Bradyn. Captain social. He, "LUUUUUUUUBS KINDERGARTEN!!!!". He informed me Thursday evening that he needed a quarter for Friday because they were having popcorn. SO, I give him 2 quarters and I say, "here's one for you and one for a friend if they forget their quarter." I always send two or three of everything to the kids' school because inevitably there are ALWAYS kids without so a few parents take up the slack. SO, when he came home from school I asked him if he was able to share his other quarter and he said, "yep, I gave it to Riley," and grinned. Okay, Riley is not a boy. She is this gorgeous little blonde creature who ALSO went ot preschool with Bradyn. I don't know her as well, but she looks like a supermodel at 5. Bradyn then asked me WHEN it would be Friday again because in kindergarten Friday is "Popcorn Friday" and that means he gets to munch popcorn AND watch a movie during snack time. His two most favortie things in the world! Hahaha! So, Kindergarten pretty much rocks for Bradyn.
Those are two girls from his Preschool class a year ago. The one wearing pink with the "demure" look on her face is Ellie (shorter one). She will one day be my daughter-in-law so go ahead and get to know her face now. I have already informed her mother that Ellie and Bradyn will make beautiful grandbabies for us ... And Ellie is the youngest of three, with two older brothers she frequently beats the hell out of. She is a spirtfire and I know she can keep my Bradyn in line as any good woman should. Most important, she loves me and hugs me whenever I see her. So I know I will have one daughter in law I like. Drew's current girlfriend is growing one me. Like Drew, she is quirky and a little strange, but she is incredibly intelligent and actually enjoyable to talk to. She'll be the griflriend I have always predicted he will bring home ... The one from Harvard with a black turtleneck on drinking coffee like it is going out of style and secretly exchanging glances with Drew to inform him of how insiginificant his familt is in scholarly circles. Fortunately, I will have my sister-in-law Sarah to talk about who will be some world renowned psychologist by that time, who has discovered her own personal psychological theory that everyone in academic circles will be buzzing about. Yep, I can say, "oh yeah Drew's snotty girlfriend, THAT is my SISTER!" hahah!
Drew loves middle school. He has decided that is fits his academic and social needs much better than elementary school ever could. His favorite part so far is that he has his own locker. Uh-huh. I asked if he wanted crap for his locker to decorate it (because that is what I did when I was in school!)and he sort of looked at me like I was some damned fool. I forget he is a boy some days and that what was cool for me as an 11 year-old girl is not so cool for him as a boy. His first school dance is at the end of October (think really, really, really, sad junior high stomp and you will get the picture). Of course, since we are not in Utah everyone thinks they have to have a date to take to the really sad junior high stomp. Drew told us he wanted to take Jacquie. Current girlfriend. Jon and I both stared at him and I stated the obvious, "Drew, that's sort of like a date and you know the rule, we don't date until we are 16 and you can actually DRIVE your date." He said, "uh, mom, no, everyone is asking someone." I said, "uh Drew, no, you aren't everyone." (As I thought to myself, holy crap, I sound like my parents.)Jon then stated the SUPER obvious, "Drew, how are you going to get there? Are you going to put some pegs on the back of your bike so you can have Jacquie stand on the back?" Then Jon started laughing hysterically. Jon is an idiot when it comes to these tender parenting moments where I am trying deperately to state to Drew the obvious reasons why dating is stupid before you are 16, ie:driving the date and not having your parents drive you. Drew, frustrated, replied with something that threw Jon into such fits of laughter he almost drive off of the road. A little background. Drew's lady friend, Jacquie, has a special talent. She rides a unicycle. Now, I have to admit, there must be some school in the ability to ride a unicycle and I am quite amazed that she possesses the abdominal strength to center herself on that thing and stay moviing in a forward motion without falling over. She has to have abs of steel for sure. At any rate, Jacquie, aka Pippi Longstocking, also doesn't give a damn what anyone thinks about her in the cruel, cruel, world we know as middle school. SO, she rides this unicycle from her house to the schoo (and has been for over a year now) despite some of the obvious jeers and jabs from her fellow classmates about the unicycle girl. Some of the boys have tried to ride her unicycle, with no success, and have therefore deemed it "stupid" like anything else an adolescent male cannot conquer it is then deemed, "stupid" and if you can conquer it you are also "stupid". So, Jacquie and her "stupid" unicycle. Drew PROCLAIMS to Jon, "NO!!!! Jacquie has her unicycle and I have my bike so I don't have to put pegs on my bike and "peg her" (terminology for having someone riding standing on the pegs on your back wheel of your bike), she can ride her unicycle! I know, I know. As Jon was almost driving off the road laughing I to burst into tearful laughter. Drew realized the "stupidity" of his own comeback and even he had to smile despite himself. I reiterated, "see Drew, that's why we don't date until we are 16. Can you imagine pulling up to the dance on your bmx bike with Jaquie in tow on her unicycle? I guess you could share a bike lock for ultimate romance?" Oh Drew.
Drew has become victim to fashion divadom and is rather insistent on two things. One item of his clothing has to be sporting some obvious name brand that everyone can see(Aeropostale, Abercrombie, American Eagle, etc.)so that whatever he has paired his ensemble with will cancel out the fact that his jeans, shirt, socks. Whatever, are secretly from Walmart, Target, or JCPenney's. Oh, this and his hair has to be "tipped" dyed blonde and messy spiked like an Abercrombie model. I have mastered tipping the hairs at home as well as the cut so we can save money on the little divas getting their hair done professionally at the salon. Bradyn also demands the same updo. It works pretty good. I shave Caesar's butt with the clippers, then I shave the kids heads, then I use one bottle of dye to tip both their heads and put a few streaks in my own hair all in the same day. Caesar, however, does not yet get his hair "tipped and dyed". That would require another box of hair dye.
Caden loves his Nanny. She's 52, has red and gray hair, sounds like a high pitched sing-song cartoon character, frequently wears clothes sporting any and all Disney characters, and she watches Sesame Street with Caden and congratulates him when he poops, farts, or burbs. According to "my Donna" (the name we have given the nanny, Donna, since Bradyn has adoptd her as his very own and gets very upset when anyone else is here with the two of them (ie: Bradyn was home from school one day and Caden was pissed he had to share "my Donna". He was "off" all morning. The next day Bradyn was back to school and Caden was back to himself. Little Turd. So, we now call Donna, "my Donna" for Caden alone., Caden's favorite character on Sesame Street is a toss up between Elmo (Drew's favorite when he was a baby!) or some pink fairy that comes on occasionally and is "new" from when her kids (now in high school) watched Sesame Street, so "my Donna" isn't quite sure who the pink fairy is called, but apparently whenever the fairy comes flying in Caden freaks out and squeels. "My Donna" feeds Caden on demand and I think he might be looking into baby weight watchers before long. She is amazed at how much he eats, and Jon is already telling me he is worried Caden doesn't have the natural switch in his brain to tell him to stop eating! Hahahah! Wrong, he's burning calories like a mad man constantly moving ... He is strong as a freaking ox and almost crawling. I can't believe it. I sit him somewhere on the floor and come back and he is across the room either from scooting or rolling. AUGH! He's almost on the move! He has also discovered that Caesar's tail is a nice fluffy thing you can take a handful of and not let go. Caesar, fortunately, has lost his will to fight anymore and complies well with his new playmates abusive play style.
Jon is mourning the loss of his great Tom Brady to a first quarter, first game of the year, season ending ACL injury. How sports enthused did I just sound in that last sentence? I almost sounded like I knew what I was talking about! = ) I'm running for our local town school board, and elections are Ocotober 7th. Gooooooo Eldridge. I have the backing of the school board president, etc. and only one person I am running against. I am pimping out the kids to wear bumper stickers on their backpacks saying, "Vote for my Mom", etc. Wait for election day, I will eb the one with my WHOLE family, dog included, outside of the polls meeting and greeting in GOOOOOOO Eldridge t-shirts or something. There is a public forum on the 29th September and I am on the docket for that. Not sure WHAT that entails, but I think it is say a few words and answer a few questions. I am acutally looking forward to it and hope the campaign is successful. Our little town is failry economically challenged in a lot of areas, but it has a lot of revitilzation potential, and I would love to be able to be on the school board and make sure the kids in this town are getting every educational advantage possible. Wait and see.
Jon and I (how weird is that?) are still working for the same company. Jon still thinks he is my boss although we work for completely different divisions. My boss had to inform him that he was indeed NOT my boss and if he decided to jump ship and come to our division she would not hire him because I already worked there and had seniority in that division. Jon still says he's my boss ... An a multi billion dollar worldwide company with multiple divisions ... He's still my boss. Fool. I like the new job, it's interesting and entertaining. For those of you that don't know, I am the new wekk paid babysitter of 120+ engineers on the east coast and southern states. I am essentially like the den mother who manages play time which for them is work time. I make sure they use their purchase cards correctly, keep their finances in order, don't tick off the clients, actually work and stay on task, and then I solve their PDA problems which somehow occur multiple times a day. It requires dealing with millions of dollars and math. IT scares the shit out of Jon that his company (remember, he thinks he is my boss) trusts my math and their money. But, the computer (Excel)is pretty idiot proof and I don't have to use algebra (even though my teachers always told me when I had a job one day when I was an adult algebra would be required ... Liars.)I work from home, the epicenter of babysitting operations, which works well for me. I am set up with a laptop, to many programs to count on the computer, various expensive office type things like copiers, files, etc. From my office I can literally track my little darling's if I so desire (a really cool little function)to make sure they are working and not at home in their parents basment talking to babes on the computer. My new gig has proven to be much like parenting three boys. Sometimes I have to scold them and tell them their communication and work ethic is about two notches above that of a baboon. Notice I didn't say a rheese monkey, the one's that can do sign language? No, rheese monkey's are smarter than most of them. I said, baboon.
Engineers are an interesting bunch. They are very analytical, which you know I am obviously not, and we have to find a groove somewhere in between their lack of personality and my sarcastic overabundance. For instance, some have called me on occasion and they always start the conversation the same way, "uh, Cortney, I screwed up when I was entering materials into my PDA, I think it is all messed up now." On days I am feeling rather sarcastic, most days, I will sit there in silence for a moment (judging the timing of that moment is critical, wait to long and I have an engineer on the phone panicking going, "Cortney, Cortney, are you still there?!?!), then I will say, "I'm sorry. You're fired." Again, there is that awkward moment of silence where you have to wait just the right amount of time before you come back with, "Relax, I'm kidding!" BUT, if you wait longer than a millisecond longer than the precise amount of time for that "moment" you have a panicked engineer sputtering, "well, uh, it's this PDA, I don't get it and noone else does either and ..." It is then that I have to talk them off the ledge and explain the fine art of sarcasm to them and that they are NOT fired and we can get through this PDA disaster one step at a time. AUGH! A few of my engineers call me ... daily. I wasn't really sure why for the first week or so. They never seemed to have life threatening or relevant questions ... It was then that I realized they were lonely and using me as either a pseudo cyberspace girlfriend, counselor, or medical doctor. Oh yes, I have solved such ailments as, "my stomache hurts today, I think it is what I ate last night" followed by a 30 minute explanation about Stouffer's mini pizzas and how to "doctor them up just right with extra cheese and peppers", but "do you think hot sauce goes bad after it has been in your friedge for over a year" because "I used that on my pizza to and I think it made me sick". My response? "General rule of thumb, clean your fridge once a month. That's gross you have seomthing in there that is over a year old! You must be single, right?" This was met with a chuckle and a, "uh, yeah, how did you know ... So do you think the hot sauce was bad?" My response, "yes, it was bad, take a tums, drink some water, quit eating stouffers mini pizzas you doctor up yourself with refrigerator remnants over a year old."
Then there was the, "Cortney, I fired an engineer yesterday and this morning one quit!" "Um, okay." This segued into, "and you know what ... I can't believe the one quit this morning because I have known him for over ten years and there was no explanation no warning no 2 weeks (this is where I think I hear a little emotion welling up with a sniffle from the chief engineer of the southeastern division)." It was as if his girlfriend/wife had left him without warning. I spent the next hour and a half, not kidding, talking this guy through the firing and quitting of his two employees and how it was not his fault, he was a good boss, and there were lots of other engineers out there that needed a job and he would find two that would be perfect for his team. Can you imagine this conversation for one and one half hours. This was crisis intervention and thank the Maker I have a psychology background so I could use big words like, "self-esteem, coping, concerned, and "I" messages (I understand, I feel like, I am hearing, you know the drill)" The other day I received an e-mail stating an engineer was "no longer with the company" and his PDA would probably not be able to be "recycled" because it was in pieces. I read between the lines and just imagined an engineer reaching his wits end and threatening a small group of innocent bystanders as he threw his PDA to the ground and stomped on it repeatedly yelling out words not fit for retype. I don't know if this is what happened, but my imagination has told me that is what happened. Why the hell else is his PDA in pieces?
I have had to "break up" with two of my engineers. They know I'm married, they know I have kids, they have no idea what I look like, but they still started to cross the "weird" line. Ie: one called me from home at night, left me some message about calling him and did I know this was his home number he was calling me from and I furhter did I know I could call him ANYTIME and it didn't have to be about work? What the hell? The next day he called me in the a.m. (of course he did) and I said, "um, yeah, got your message, did you need something in particular?" He responded with, "no, but did you get that I was calling you from home, did you see my home number, did you know you can call me at home even if it's not about work, okay?" My jaw hit the ground as I imagined some lonely little fellow that lived in his parents basement calling me and leaving me a message on his speaker phone trying to act like a cool dude while his other 40-something fellow basement dwellers listened in. I tried to be kind given this image I had concocted in my head. "Um, you know I'm married, right?" Uh, yeah, I know that. "Uh, you know I have three, count them, THREE kids, right?" Um, yeah, I was just saying you know if you ever ... I finally had to just let him think his advances were not unwarranted and I said, "oh, so and so, you don't even know what I look like, what if I am a 600 lb cookie eating greasy red head?" He laughed and said, "Oh, Cortney, you're so funny. I am so glad you work here. You make our days brighter." Crap. I finally said, "oh so and so, I am so happy I can make your day brighter, but please know that I will never, ever call you at home because company policy prevents me from calling people at home ... Ever... Under any circumstance ... And I have three kids to feed, so I have to follow policy." I think it shut him down. Then I had a chief engineer call me and ask exactly "what" I had said to so "intrigue" his engineer that the engineer called to let his chief know he would be "driving to New Hampshire" tht evening to "meet Cortney in person". I recalled the conversation and thought, good hell. I think I told him to have a good day and maybe laughed at his stellar attempt at humor, not sure. Apparently I so beguiled him that he thought an in person visit was in order. I informed his chief that my husband was a large and jealous man who also worked for the company and was at the proverbial "top" of the company food chain and he would probably not appreciate some random engineer showing up on my doorstep to meet me in person ... Even if it was innocent enough. The engineer gave me a nervous laugh and said, "uh, okay, but I can't proimise anything with this one." What!?!?!? Fortunately, the New Hampshire roadtrip was cancelled and this engineer has limited our liasons to phone calls. I think we have to break up this week. He calls to often and I have to much work to do. My favortie part is when I END the conversation with them and I say, "well, I better let you go, my inbox is larger than my outbox, you have a good day!" and then there is this awkward silence where they start to stammer like a teenage boy and say, "uh, yeah, uh, I was just saying, uh yeah, I gotta get going to, I got a lot of work, but you know that!" Honestly.
So, I serve as counselor, den mother, doctor, financial analyst, computer specialist, and pseudo cyber-girlfriend for all the 40 somethings living in their parent's basement with the sweet shag carpeting and a speaker phone they share with friends to hear my voice. Uck. BUT, there is also a majority of engineers who serve as big brothers or father figures to me. They ask if the other engineers are "talking nice" to me and "acting like gentleman" and to "let them know" if anyone steps out of line and they will "take care of it". Some are grandpa types that ask about my boys, their ages, and if I got them all successfully off to school that morning and still kept my sanity intact. And some know my husband works in the upper eschalons of the company, even though I repeat it is a DIFFERENT division, and they kiss my butt thinking he can get them an interview with corporate if they are nice to me. My boss told me one thing when she hired me, "Cortney, you will never be bored." She was right.
That's about it for now. I have written far to much because it has been far to long. I sort of miss my old friend, the computer/counselor to vent my feelings to and throw out there into cyberspace. Haha!