The Good Wife's Guide ... Revised

An oldie, but it never gets old! Please see the good wife’s guide on the link below ... then see my REALITY version! Cort

http://www.samtsai.com/p419/the-good-wifes-guide-guys-favorite

Just in case any of you were wondering what you are supposed to do when you husband comes home from work, here are a few tips to follow. I always do this for Jon!
Oh wait, no, here is the reality …

“Have dinner ready, plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious dinner ready … most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal is part of the warm welcome needed …”
Have the number to the local pizza place on speed dial. If you don’t have one close, make sure you always have bacon in the fridge. Your husband may not appreciate hours spent on a new chicken dish, but put a slap of heaping bacon in front of him and he and his cholesterol-clogged arteries will thank you.

“Prepare yourself, take 15 minutes to rest so you’ll be refreshed when he arrives…”
Lock yourself in the bathroom or bedroom away from your children. If you are lucky, your children will give up beating on the door after 5 minutes and will trun their efforts to destroying your house or beating one another. This will provide you with time to rethink your life’s direction before your husband comes home.

“Be a little gay … his boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it …”
Be a little gay? My neighbor actually has a recurring “girls gone wild” fantasy world he lives in. Perhaps this means purchase the latest, “Girls Gone Wild, Co-Eds on Parade” so that your husband can see a little pretend lesbian gay on the television? Not sure.

“Clear away the clutter … make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives …”
Kick a trail through assorted children and dog toys from the front door to the kitchen. After all, when your husband comes home he will immediately start removing his work clothes and throwing them wherever they land on his way to the kitchen to give the fridge a hug and a kiss… you don’t want him tripping on his way!

“Gather up school books, etc. … run a dustcloth over the tables …”
Brush away all chunks from the table, open the back door and let your dog in to clean the floor. Sometimes the dog (if you have a cat-dog like ours), will step onto the counter or table. This just saves dusting for you as the dogs furry butt will slide across the dusty table removing any dusting work for you. Remove the dog from the counter/table.

“Over the cooler months of the year, you should prepare and light a fire …after all catering for his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction…”
Give the children a book of matches to play with. They should have a roaring fire started on the living room carpet within moments. For a special treat, sometimes the children will light the dog’s tail on fire. Flame propellants, such as lighter fluid and gasoline, should be left where children can explore the possibilities. Your husband will enjoy the fact that his son’s can create fire in his absence, and then they can all pee on it together. It will provide an important moment of bonding.

“Prepare the children … take a few moments and wash their hands and faces, comb their hair, and if necessary change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part … minimize noise … try to encourage the children to be quiet …”
Prepare the children … take a few moments to threaten them about their recent fire lighting escapades with the “death whisper”. Wrap your husband’s little treasures hands with rope so that they can not wreak further havoc. This is, of course, after you have locked yourself in the bedroom/bathroom for 15 minutes. Never bind your children with rope in anger. Encourage the children to shut up by using threatening phrases such as, “wait until your dad gets home”.

“Be happy to see him …greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity when you greet him”
Sincerely offer him his bound and gagged children with a smile indicating you are happy that he is home and you are now off duty.

“Listen to him, you may have a list of things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours …”
As your husband unbinds and de-gags his “little treasures” hold off on telling him that the youngest called 911 and that the city will be billing him for the “false alarm”. Remember, his news of the fabulous place he had lunch, with real live adults and real food, is far more important.

“Make the evening his … never complain if he goes out to dinner or other places of entertainment. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his very real need to be at home and relax…”
Make the evening all about him. If your husband goes out to “other places of entertainment”, don’t hesitate to call the local authorities to pick him up and bring him home so that he can take care of the children as you make travel arrangements to your mother’s and consult with the divorce attorney.

“Your goal, try to make sure your home is a place of peace, tranquility … where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit.”
See gag and bind the children. Tell your husband to find himself in the yard, with his lawnmower, renewed by mother nature in her bounty. Your husband will appreciate any opportunity to utilize tools of power (ie: lawnmower, weedwacker, etc.) to fend off his stressful day.

“Don’t greet him with complaints and problems …”
See hold off on telling him about the 911 call … and the fact that your oldest checked the aerodynamics of the dog … and they weren’t that good.

“Don’t complain if he’s home late for dinner … or even gone all night. Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through all day.”
Don’t be home if he’s late … especially if he’s gone all night. Leave a cheerful note explaining to him that he can now have all the peace and tranquility he needs … as long as he makes sure your monthly alimony and child support check isn’t late.

“Make him comfortable, have him lean back in a comfortable chair … have a cool or warm drink ready for him.”
Offer him something with hard liquor. After all, you’ve been drinking all day, perhaps if you are both loaded the children won’t seem “that bad”?

“Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes … speak in a low, soothing voice.”
Resist the urge to arrange a pillow over his head if he complains about dinner. Speak in a low, soothing death tone telling him that you have been with “his” children all day and the last thing you want to hear is a complaint about the pile of bacon you just gave him for dinner.

“Don’t ask him questions or question his judgement … he is the master of the house and will exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness … you have no right to question him.”
Allow your husband to feel like he is in charge. In fact, tell him that he IS in charge of his “little treasures” as you leave the house in a dead sprint. Allow him to be the “master” of his house without you assisting. Let him rule his kingdom and his “little treasures”.

“A good wife always knows her place…”
A good wife knows she is better off at the day spa.

As Always,
Cortney

I Never Keep This Blog Current!

Due to popular demand (okay, my little sister's friend apparently spies on our blog and she told my sister I need to update my page... you KNOW who you are!), here is an UPDATE of the Eldridge clan. The "Cat" (okay, the transvestite Shitzu dog we call Caesar) is still with us, but our new "5" status is now ALL PEOPLE. Caesar is currently in discussion with our household management team to have Caden sent back to where he came from. His tactics have included vandalism(pooping in the upstairs hallway DESPITE the fact he is let out 47 times a day), stealing (all of Caden's soft stuffed toys seem to be magically disappearing from the nursry into Caesar's dog toy basket), weight gain (and not a few lbs, weight gain like he needs a program ... does Jenny Craig have a dog program?), desperate attempts at affection, (my feet are always warm, and numb, from the fat dog sitting on them every moment he can), and sniffing Caden at an attempt of acceptance into the pack. Fortunately, he still recognizes me as the Alpha of the pack and I have accepted Caden into the brood, so he must accept him as well.

Caden George Eldridge was born on March 6, 2008. Thanks to good drugs, I survived the delivery completely numb from my waist down. He was a tiny little thing, 7lbs 5 ounces, DESPITE the docotors repeated promises of a HUGE baby. Uh-huh, not so huge. A full pound less than his older brothers and sporting a normal baby head ... not the enormous watermelon heads like his brothers. Caden has already met the Governor and first lady of New Hampshire when he was 4 weeks old. I think he has an early interest in politics. haha!


The boys (Drew and Bradyn) are phenomenal big brothers. Bradyn has even shown his mastery of "carrying" Caden when I am not around. Caden has been carried, by his 5 year-old brother, up the stairs numerous times, from his bed (where he was sleeping peacefully) to the couch in the front room because he wanted to "play" acording to Bradyn. At all times, when I have caught the "helpful" 5 year-old, Caden is never crying. Despite the fact that he is literally hanging from his brothers waist head down while Bradyn carries him in a side sling sort of fashion. It's true, third babies are VERY laid back.

Drew has mastered bottle feeding, burping, and entertaining Caden. As I sit here now, he is feeding Caden on the beanbag, watching cartoons with Bradyn. All three boys, all being babysat by cartoons. Yep, I am a great mom, tell your friends for sure. Caden officially received welfare third baby status. In our family we have this theory. The first baby is always dressed cute, matching hats and shoes, etc. The second baby may not match as well, but they are dressed. The third baby wears pajamas most of the time and in the summer au natural with only a diaper AND covered in sticky popsicle or watermelon juice. Caden's clothes DO MATCH, and he has only spent a few days of pajama day (due to the enormous amount of clothes he has, every day is a fashion show!). However, the other day I had him sitting in his stroller while I was outside raking leaves. We have had an unusual warm spell here, so I was taking advantage. A few minutes into my yard work, Caden started to fuss, then cry.. I went inside, made him a bottle, and proceeded to "prop" the bottle wiht his blanket so I could try and get more work done. Caden didn't seem to care, he had food. When the bottle was gone, I noticed Caden had a bunch of milk on his face (he's a messy little eater). I didn't have burp cloth, and I didn't want to run inside the house again ... but wait, one of his socks had fallen off. I retrieved the errant sock and proceeded to wipe Caden's face with his sock. It was a moment of pure mothering genius ...again, tell your friends.

Jon is adjusting to the new little critter. He keeps telling me how perfect Caden is, and of course, like our other two boys, I have to agree! Jon does, however, terrify me with his parenting "technique" some days. He often lifts Caden by the front of his clothes like Caden is a sack of potatoes. His burping style is legendary as he maneuvers Caden's little fat body into all sorts of contortions to assist the burp in coming out. But, I have to say, he is always successful and Caden will remain limber. Jon recently hurt his back doing a bunch of yard work stuff. He has been to an orthopedist, and he's now off to physical therapy for a few weeks. It's an aggravated old military injury, so we hope it's not anything too serious. Cross your fingers for him! Despite his back injury making him walk like a hunched over old man, he is still coaching Drew's baseball team this year ... and loves it! Drew is still maintaining his "casual" style of play (aka - he could care less) and it drives Jon bonkers! But, in all, I see the occasional little smiles from Drew at being able to have his Dad as his coach.

I remain post pregnancy body and am trying to fit back into my clothes. I have to say, it sucks having a closet full of clothes that you just can't quite squeeze your butt into. I think pregnant women should emerge from the hospital with perfect bodies (whatever their perfect size is for them) as a special door prixe that God gives them for carrying the baby for 9 months and then delivering. I think that is the least we can get. Instead, I returned home puffy, 20 lbs heavier, pale as a ghost thanks to the severe anemia, tired (again, anemia), and a little grouchy from lack of sleep. Today, 6 weeks later, I am no longer anemic OR diabetic (had diabetes during the pregnancy WITH all of the fun insulin shots to the gutt!), I have visited the tanning bed a few times, my face is still a little puffy and my weight gain is falling off of me at a snail's pace, but I can see my feet and I started working out again and I start teaching aerobics next week. Let's hope my students will accept their teachers "new post baby" body. Ugh. Yes, a little crazy about it, but Caden is more than worth all of it.

I am the team mom for Bradyn's T-ball team. What aa crack up. I call Bradyn the "clutch" player. haha! The coaches are SO PATIENT and the practices resemble herding cats, but the kids are starting to see the light and get a little more oprganized. My favorite is when one kid will "lap" another kid running the bases becasue the kid on the base ahead of him is not fast enough. Yes, Bradyn has been lapped. But he's big and a little more competetive than his elder brother, so I fully expect a kid to get tackled or sat on if they keep lapping him.

Well, I better run and try to add more updates later. I have to rescue Caden from his brother's "helping" endeavors. I think they left him alone on the bean bag. He's pretty boring after all, jsut sort of sits there and occasionally sighs, sneezes, hits himself in the head with his uncontrolled hands (making him cry), or shoots a smile. More later.